Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
