ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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