I want to make a zoo with you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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