you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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