So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Found your dick twin last night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
