Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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