Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
