My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
