apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He better not be in your backpack
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize