I think I won the penis lottery.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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