Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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