my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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