I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
