if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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