Your mouth is God's brothel.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
