you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
