I'm eating all of the evidence.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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