you would pick up someone in the library
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i dont even know how to be here
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dear god my vagina.
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