Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
