I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
