you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
