It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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