Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I need water and some morals
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
