when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
