Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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