That's intense
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
