Please, let me fuck your mom
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize