Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
