We named our party play list daddy issues
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize