I wish I only lived at night.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
smell my finger.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
