I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
