I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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