guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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