the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
