You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
