I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
