My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
