We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
