he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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