If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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