Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
