I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
