just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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