When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
