the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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