well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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