I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
