Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
