Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
