there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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