i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
