The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize