smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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