the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
