On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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