I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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