I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
