I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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