The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
