my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
