2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
