So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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